Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

J. Jonah Jerkson
Sun Nov 21, 2004 at 02:22:46 pm EST
Subject
An Editorial
[ New ] [ Email ] [ Print ] [ RSS ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Next In Thread >>

The Parodiopolis Daily Trombone

EDITORIAL

By J. Jonah Jerkson


“They Saved the World!” “Lair Legion Averts Catastrophe!” screamed the headlines of our competitors hardly more than a week ago. Well, now the charlatans of the “Crossworlds Challenge” have returned, and the world is headed straight into catastrophe.

This newspaper warned the world about the nefarious workings of “Goldeneyed,” which were laid bare for all to see on the televised portion of the “Challenge.” Whether the event was staged or not, Bryan Katz’s scheming confirmed his unfitness for anywhere but the Safe. Therefore, it was with horror but not surprise that the Daily Trombone learned that this danger to the community popped up unexpectedly at Phantomhwk Memorial Hospital yesterday afternoon with an unidentified young woman in critical condition. We suspect that there is no coincidence that the hospital declared a city-wide medical emergency and called in emergency teams from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention only minutes after his arrival.

In the continued absence of our mayor, rumors are rampant that an unstoppable plague of extraterrestrial origins is ravaging the hospital and threatening to break out among the general population. And what is the Lair Legion doing about this menace that they themselves may have brought back with them to this planet? Nothing. What did they do to prevent such a catastrophe? Nothing. Instead, they appear to have valued their prevaricating teammate’s privacy and the opportunity to be the cynosures of a triumphal parade more than taking simple quarantine and public health measures on their return from multiple plague-ridden planets. Only this newspaper’s continuing scrutiny of these irresponsible clowns stands between their arrogant disregard and the health and safety of millions in this city alone.

And while a plague may rage at our most prestigious hospital, our city’s resources are being drained by the spectacular rise in oil and gasoline prices. Crude oil has risen to over $100 per barrel, gasoline prices have quintupled, and thousands of Paradopolitans face lower standards of living and even layoffs. Mysteriously, every major world oil producer (except ZOXXON Oil) has begun reporting that oil fields cannot be pumped, refineries are non-functional and stored oil is non-available. While the United States Government and other nations are mum on the causes of this crisis, intrepid news organizations such as the Daily Trombone are slowly ferreting out bits of the truth. We have already urged our representatives in Congress to begin an immediate investigation of ZOXXON and its ties to foreigners.

We note in particular the recent report from the Daily Mirror of London that several major oil refineries are producing nothing but distilled water, and that their operators suspect sabotage. But what kind of sabotage can cause oil refineries to produce water? Science Villain sabotage, of course. And where would Science Villain sabotage come from? Badripoor, of course, where Count Armageddon concentrated every high-tech evil scheme imaginable. And when Badripoor was liberated, what happened? The Lair Legion installed their former comrade, the ineffable spiffy, as President, rather than acquiescing to the necessary U.S. occupation that would have prevented looting, secured arsenals, and prevented insurrection. It is no accident that the Lair Legion installed the most incompetent, feckless fool possible to enable the surreptitious transfer of Badripoor’s scientific evils around the world, and thus it is no accident that there is a global petroleum shortage. We can only speculate on the hidden reasons for the Lair Legion’s outrageous behavior, and hope that we will uncover them and whatever foul plots are in hand before more serious harm is done to this city, and yes, the world.

Until then, we demand the immediate incarceration of the entire Lair Legion, including Mr. Epitome, until it can be proved which members are active menaces and which are mere dupes who can be rehabilitated before re-entry into civil society.

J. Jonah Jerkson
VOICE OF THE PEOPLE





ool-43570953.dyn.optonline.net (67.87.9.83) U.S. Network
Windows XP (0 points)
[ New ] [ Email ] [ Print ] [ RSS ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Follow-Ups:

Echo™ v2.4 © 2003-2005 Powermad Software
Copyright © 2004-2005 by Mangacool Adventure